A hello to an (not too) old friend

/ Minggu, 25 Oktober 2015 /
I would probably not take it too long. But to release it all maybe would help a lot.

So here it comes the October 25th. Something's changed. Many things do change if I may say. Oh well, I dont even know where to start. (Oh, I start talking nonsense.) It always brings me a pendulum hanging on my heart everytime I recall the years behind. Now, that I have finally chosen to be a selfish-bastard leaving all the make-everyone-happy theories. I came to a question; is it what I really want?

Okay. I'm taking a deep breath as it might be a lil bit emotional.

Have you ever be in dilemma, and you finally choose the choice that benefits you (and harms other party), and in the end you could not forgive your self for making that decision. In this case, that benefit was my own happiness. I choose to be happy. I chose to be a selfish, leaving other party in misery. And now that the happiness is in my hand, looking back to the things I have left behind bring me-again-a pendulum that heavily hanging on my heart. My shoes seems to be made from the heaviest stone ever, make it very hard for me to go ahead. I'm screaming deep down in my heart, can not stop crying and mourning to the things and years that I have decided to bury, not letting them go as they were too precious I could not forget. But I too have no will to be back to them.. I've made my choice and once ever promised myself not to go back. I am going ahead. In my slowest pace I could attempt.
I do look behind for every two-or-three steps I made, to make sure everything is going to be fine. To make sure I didn't make too serious damage. But everytime I look at them, it happens in contrary. Everything is not fine. I made a real serious damage to something I have tried hard to keep in the past years. I do hurt so many people. I do really really do disappoint them. And I don't know how to fix them. I can't go back nor move on. I am stuck.

You may not know, I do always wish you a very very happy life. You was once matter to me. And you always are. I dont care if you hate me or you erase me from your memory. I deserve all of those things. But i will always wish you to be happy. Have a good life, make friend, find love, laugh often, take a holiday, go somewhere fun, try good foods, and whatever makes you happy. I know you've handled it in a good way. Move on. Fly high. Please. So I can go ahead in a relief.

And we might meet again, with smile, as an old friend, shaking each other hand, and say; everything was, is, and will be well.

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