It's Me, Again

It's me. Again. 

Life's been weird, lately. It's my feeling, if I should make it more specific. 

There were days when I start thinking of having appointment with the 'expert', to understand myself--or to heal. 

Out of sudden, I remember this page. My coping mechanism, back then years ago. Well maybe, it's way cheaper.

Will talk to you later. 

Mencintaimu tidak seharusnya dengan alasan. Menanggalkan aku yang selalu berhitung tentang rugi untung. Mencintaimu adalah bebas, terbang tanpa ada ketakutan. Terjun, lalu percaya sepenuhnya, di bawah sana; kamu ada.

Mencintaimu tidak seharusnya dengan kata tanya. Karena pada akhirnya, pertemuan ini akan bermuara ke satu inti; yang biarlah menjadi rahasia Semesta dan kita seperti lakon tanpa skenario, yang kebingungan mencari arah dan melangkah meraba-raba ke ujung cerita.

Mencintaimu sesederhana tenggelam dalam matamu, terjun menyusuri cerita panjangmu tentang mimpi, pun hanya sesederhana memandangi lama foto kita. Mencintaimu hingga lupa adanya dunia. Karena kamu, sepenuhnya menjelma duniaku.

----

Aku mencintaimu untuk hari ini. Tanpa gelisah masa datang yang abu-abu. Pun masa lalu, yang mulai berdebu oleh remahan waktu.
Aku ingin mampu mencintaimu dengan dewasa, bukan lagi tentang seberapa besar dan seberapa lama. Karena mencintaimu tidak seharusnya dilabeli satuan, jarak, berat, ataupun waktu. Mencintaimu untuk saat ini, lagi dan lagi. Tanpa kuantitasi.

Lupa?

Maka bahagiakah itu yang kusimpan

atau otak yang mulai menua

jengah, bersikukuh lupa

Aku pernah terlalu riang berdansa di atas kata

juga berlarian menari di atas sketsa

Hingga kini aku terlalu letih mengurai logika

Lupa, mungkin aku hanya lupa

aku kira hidup hanya semudah mencari tujuan

atau hanya sesederhana mencari uang

Dan kini semoga kau sambut aku pulang

Menuju istana megahmu

yang kokoh oleh deretan kiasan

yang indah oleh jutaan ukiran

yang tenang seperti bukit tak bertuan

yang membuatku terjun bebas ke dalamnya

Melupa, melupa logika

atau angka

juga angkara

--Was written on the train, on my way to a busy city.

I am tired, feel much disappointed, yet so excited.

What's life gonna bring me today?

I can say; I can't say a single thing.

Things will eventually go as His plan. It's not now nor later. It's 'here it is your opportunity today'. My only job is making sure I'm ready whenever it comes to me.

As His plan isn't ours, I try to stop complaining but trying to do my best.

Well..

I know it will be very hard to put it into words. It's just..... I feel something is wrong with me. I know exactly why, and I'm just trying to deny. Then it becomes so exhausting, I keep repeating to myself that I'm almost there, everything is okay. Aaaaaaaaaaa.

Wish me lucks. A lot of luck.

SOS

Uh. I wish I have enough time to do every single things I love.
I wish I have enough time to just wandering all day long.
I wish I have enough time to be that one person I have to be.
I wish I have enough time to write more on this page.
I wish I have enough time to reflect my life in a very simple form I could attempt.
I wish I have enough time to interpret universe's way to show me this beautiful life of mine.
I wish I have enough time to laugh hard on Life.

I wish a day provides me more than only 24 hours.

Or I wish I can simplify my life as simple as it used to be.

This mind of mine, has lately became my number one enemy instead of my best friend.

SOS!

A hello to an (not too) old friend

I would probably not take it too long. But to release it all maybe would help a lot.

So here it comes the October 25th. Something's changed. Many things do change if I may say. Oh well, I dont even know where to start. (Oh, I start talking nonsense.) It always brings me a pendulum hanging on my heart everytime I recall the years behind. Now, that I have finally chosen to be a selfish-bastard leaving all the make-everyone-happy theories. I came to a question; is it what I really want?

Okay. I'm taking a deep breath as it might be a lil bit emotional.

Have you ever be in dilemma, and you finally choose the choice that benefits you (and harms other party), and in the end you could not forgive your self for making that decision. In this case, that benefit was my own happiness. I choose to be happy. I chose to be a selfish, leaving other party in misery. And now that the happiness is in my hand, looking back to the things I have left behind bring me-again-a pendulum that heavily hanging on my heart. My shoes seems to be made from the heaviest stone ever, make it very hard for me to go ahead. I'm screaming deep down in my heart, can not stop crying and mourning to the things and years that I have decided to bury, not letting them go as they were too precious I could not forget. But I too have no will to be back to them.. I've made my choice and once ever promised myself not to go back. I am going ahead. In my slowest pace I could attempt.
I do look behind for every two-or-three steps I made, to make sure everything is going to be fine. To make sure I didn't make too serious damage. But everytime I look at them, it happens in contrary. Everything is not fine. I made a real serious damage to something I have tried hard to keep in the past years. I do hurt so many people. I do really really do disappoint them. And I don't know how to fix them. I can't go back nor move on. I am stuck.

You may not know, I do always wish you a very very happy life. You was once matter to me. And you always are. I dont care if you hate me or you erase me from your memory. I deserve all of those things. But i will always wish you to be happy. Have a good life, make friend, find love, laugh often, take a holiday, go somewhere fun, try good foods, and whatever makes you happy. I know you've handled it in a good way. Move on. Fly high. Please. So I can go ahead in a relief.

And we might meet again, with smile, as an old friend, shaking each other hand, and say; everything was, is, and will be well.

Hey. It's just the days getting harder. And me being such a dumb.

So the point is I am tired. Physically and mentally. And having no one to be one hundred percent supporting me, just makes it worse. Oh or maybe it's just me myself that make it worse.

It's me once again, trying to make everyone happy. Everyone but not me. Ah. Cliche.

Sorry for babbling it here.. I'm just one percent left to a hundred percent of insanity.